Broken....

Jacob and I wanted to go on a date a couple of weeks ago and decided to take in a movie. We went to see the new movie 'What To Expect When You're Expecting." This movie had a fantastic cast, many of whom I am a big fan of so I thought it would be a great movie for our date. I don't know what I was thinking. For the most part it was really funny but there were several really tough parts. It has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks so I figured, why not blog about it.

The most heartbreaking part about this movie wasn't the character going through the miscarriage, or the character who after a couple of years of trying to get pregnant, finally does. The most heartbreaking part came in the form of Jennifer Lopez's character. She is a photographer who during a photo shoot has a mother of a baby she just took photos of, tell her that she is so good with kids and that she should "get on" with have babies of her own. J Lo's character has a very private, very quiet struggle. We find out that she and her husband are looking to adopt. They are doing international adoption and eventually are matched with a little one in Ethiopia if I remember correctly. At one point in the movie she and her husband get into an argument. Her true feelings and fears come to light. These are feelings that as an infertile woman, I am very familiar with. She says to her husband the words, "it's my fault we can't have children, I'm broken." I'm broken. Broken.... This is a word that I know all too well. I feel it in my bones, in my heart. I'm broken. Not only can I not get pregnant now, not only can I not carry a pregnancy should I get pregnant by some miracle, I SHOULDN'T get pregnant. If I do get pregnant, I could end up paralyzed. I'm broken. This feeling was only heightened several years ago when I was told by someone that they wished my husband could have married someone who could have given him babies of his own. This person didn't understand how it was that I could get pregnant at 15 and have a baby, but now I can't do either. This person said that they wished Jacob could be married to someone who could give him the experience of feeling his child grow within her womb. That conversation added to the feeling that I am broken and even though it took place over 3 years ago, I still remember it like it was yesterday.

I don't know how to get rid of this feeling of being broken. I thought that when we brought Emily home that my insecurities with not being able to give Jacob a child of "his own" would be gone because Emily is ours. His and mine. She may not have come from the two of us, but she is ours. But honestly, those feelings haven't gone away. I once read a blog post that says that Adoption doesn't cure infertility. It's true. It doesn't cure insecurities. Don't get me wrong. Emily is our child, in every way that matters. But I still wish... sometimes... I wish... Especially since the person who said those things to me all those years ago, still feels that way... I wish.... I wish I wasn't broken... But, I am....

An update

I know, I know, I totally suck! It's been way too long since I posted last. We have been busy around here to say the least. I just finished with my 2nd semester in college. Jacob is graduating on Friday with his Bachelors degree in Political Science. He is taking the Summer Semester off and then will be starting the Master's program in the fall. I am not taking the Summer off but am only taking 1 class. Tamara is finishing up her Jr. year in high school and will be starting her Sr. year in August. She is still on track to graduate early and will be turning 17 in June. Emily is turning 2 in July. I can't believe it! We recently celebrated 1 year since finalizing her adoption and taking her to the temple to have her sealed. We are just staying busy. :D Here is a recent pic of little miss. I will post again soon I promise.

Adoptive Couples Retreat 2012!!!

Sooo stinkin' excited to announce that the dates for the adoptive couples retreat have been set!! March 30th & 31st! Same location as last year. The Hampton Inn and Suites in Orem UT. We have some great things in the works so stay tuned here, or to the Retreats blog here. To read about last years retreat, go here. Seriously it was a blast!! So mark it on your calenders ladies and gents!

Contest time!

I know, I know, I have a lot of blogging to do. And I will, I promise. For now though I wanted to tell you about my new website and contest I am hosting. I have a new website for my photography business. You can check it out on Crowning Touch Photography. Now, for the fun part (although for me, having my own website is pretty darn fun!). I am hosting a contest where one lucky winner will win a free regular photo session. (That means any session but a wedding -that contest will be running next week). Who can enter? How do you win? Check out the details here on my sites blog. And I promise, new posts will be coming soon!

A Fabulous Phone Call!!

Do you remember back in November this guest post from my friend Tammy about coping with a failed placement? I have been sitting on some news for about a month now. And I finally get to spill the beans! For those of you on my facebook, this is the fabulous call I got the other day!

About a month ago (right around Thanksgiving) I got a call from Tammy asking if I could look over a paper copy of their profile. Their lawyer had called them with a possible situtation and she asked if they were interested. After discussing and praying the decided they were. The lawyer asked if they could send a paper profile that she could present to the perspective birthmom. Tammy had been up all night working on it and needed some fresh eyes. After a little tweaking she printed it off and sent it to the lawyer. The wait began. After what seemed like forever, (even for me so you can imagine how bad it was for them not knowing) they finally heard back. On Wednesday evening I got a call from Tammy. I bawled my eyes out needless to say. The perspective birthmom had chosen them to be the parents of her unborn child!!!! The gender of the baby is unknown but is due in February. The lawyer asked her what made her choose Tammy and Mike and she said simply, "She reminds me of myself". They have to find a new lawyer now but frankly they are happy to because as long as all goes well, they will finally be a mommy and a daddy! O.k. tears again, just thinking about it! YAY!!!!!

A room with a door....

Recently in my Communications 1010 class we had to give an oral presentation. The professor allowed us to speak on a topic that we love, are passionate about and are maybe an expert on. Now while I'm not saying I'm an expert on my chosen topic, I did feel confident enough in my knowledge of it to speak. What's that you ask? What was my chosen topic? Why thanks for asking! I chose to speak on something I am extremely passionate about. That is open adoption. I shared a few statistics about adoption and got an audible gasp when I told my audience that less than 1% of unwed expectant mothers choose adoption. They couldn't beleive the number was so low. But that wasn't the point of my presentation. The point was to talk about the benefits of open adoption for those amazing parents who choose adoption. But I had to explain what open adoption was befor discussing the benefits. So that brings me to the purpose of this post.

I used an analogy to describe adoption. I likened adoption to a room with a door. The adoptive family and the child who has been placed are on the inside of the room. The birthfamilies are on the outside. In a closed adoption, the door to the room is closed. You as a birthmom can't see in, and likewise the adoptive family can't see out. There is no contact. The door is completely closed. In a semi-open adoption the door to the room is partially open. As a birthparent you are able to see part of what is going on in the room. You receive letters and pictures, quite often through a third party, but even though you can see part of the room, you don't see all of the room. In an open adoption, the door to the room is all the way open. As a birthparent you can stand in the doorway and see the entire room. You get letters, pictures, emails, phone calls, visits. Often times you are even invited into the room to share in the activities going on inside.

So what do you think? Fair analogy? Did I hit the mark or miss it completely? In a future post I will share what I found to be the benefits for an open adoption. For now, I'm going to bed. I have 2 reviews for finals in the morning. Finals are next week and than 3 weeks till next semester. Looking forward to the break!

2011 Adoption Walk With Me

A few weeks ago I was excited to be able to participate in the Adoption Walk With Me at Liberty Park here in Salt Lake City. I got to meet some new friends, say hi and chat with old friends, finally meet some that I have chatted with online for years it seems like, and just had an all around great time. In addition I was honored to be asked by the r house to photograph this fabulous event. Here are some of my favs from the day. Thank you to everyone who came out and braved the cold dreary weather to show support and adoption loves! It was cold, and dreary, but it was so much fun! Can't wait for next year!